i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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