I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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