Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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