What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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