Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
