hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
