i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize