Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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