My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
