Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize