do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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