I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
my poor anus
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize