my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
