2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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