Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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