I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
