we're chasing vodka with high fives
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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