I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
