my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We left an ass print on the piano.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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