im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
