i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
