Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Randomize
