i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
