He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
