The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
