I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
