I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
