If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
