i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
