How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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