Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
did i just pee glitter
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
