Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
