And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She's the barista slut.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
