I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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