what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
