After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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