Kiss
Puke
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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