the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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