I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
