i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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