My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He better not be in your backpack
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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