I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
