I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize