Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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