You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
