So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Enjoy the penises
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize