walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
