ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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