Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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