If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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