I wanna bring you to show and tell
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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