i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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