I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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