That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
