I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
