so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
