when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
