dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize