I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
